Clarity of thought on the middle east...
attributed to Dennis Miller, I've no definate link, but it's still outstanding. Also, apologies for the delays in posting. School has been kicking my....
Anyway, thanks to whomever:
"A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a service
to all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the story of the
Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need.
Here we go:
The Palestinians want their own country.
There's just one thing about that: There are no Palestinians. It's a made up
word.
Israel was called Palestine for two thousand years.
Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is really a modern invention
Before the Israelis won the land in the 1967 war, Gaza was owned by Egypt,
the West Bank was owned by Jordan, and there were no "Palestinians."
As soon as the Jews took over and started growing oranges as big as
basketballs, what do you know, say hello to the "Palestinians," weeping for
their deep bond with their lost "land" and "nation."
So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word "Palestinian" anymore to
describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our deaths, until
someone points out they're being taped.
Instead, let's call them what they are:
"Other Arabs Who Can't Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap
Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death."
I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN.
How about this, then: "Adjacent Jew-Haters."
Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country.
Oops, just one more thing. No, they don't.
They could've had their own country any time in the last thirty years,
especially two years ago at Camp David but if you have your own country, you
have to have traffic lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce,
and, worse, you actually have to figure out some way to make a living.
That's no fun. No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region
want: Israel.
They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course -- that's where the real
fun is -- but mostly they want Israel.
Why? For one thing, trying to destroy Israel - or "The Zionist Entity"
as their textbooks call it -- for the last fifty years has allowed the
rulers of Arab countries to divert the attention of their own people
away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most illiterate,
poorest, and tribally backward on God's Earth, and if you've ever been
around God's Earth . . . you know that's really saying something.
It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic about
the great history and culture of the Muslim Midleast. Unless I'm missing
something, the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since Algebra,
and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that one.
Chew this around & spit it out: 500 million Arabs; 5 million Jews.
Think of all the Arab countries as a football field,
and Israel as a pack of matches sitting in the middle of it.
And now these same folks swear that, if Israel gives them
half of that pack of matches, everyone will be pals..
Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey, but what about the string of wars to
obliterate the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to
drive every Jew into the sea?
Oh, that? We were just kidding.
My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other day:
Just reverse the Numbers. Imagine 500 million Jews and 5 million Arabs.
I was stunned at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the Jews
strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to themselves? Of course not.
Or marshaling every fiber and force at their disposal for generations
to drive a tiny Arab State into the sea? Nonsense.
Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible.
Or spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their
bread with the blood of children? Disgusting.
No, as you know, left to themselves in a world of peace,
the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to death.
Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that,
with vital operations in Iraq and others, it's in our interest, as
Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible,
and, after all, that can't be much harder than stabilizing a roomful of
super models who've just had their drugs taken away.
However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always a danger
of losing moral weight. We've already lost some.
After September 11th, our president told us and the world he was going
to root out all terrorists and the countries that supported them.
Beautiful.
Then the Israelis, after months and months of having the equivalent of
an Oklahoma City every week (and then every day), start to do the same thing
we did, and we tell them to show restraint.
If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day,
we would all very shortly be screaming for the administration
to just be done with it and kill everything south of the Mediterranean
and east of the Jordan. "
Anyway, thanks to whomever:
"A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a service
to all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the story of the
Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need.
Here we go:
The Palestinians want their own country.
There's just one thing about that: There are no Palestinians. It's a made up
word.
Israel was called Palestine for two thousand years.
Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is really a modern invention
Before the Israelis won the land in the 1967 war, Gaza was owned by Egypt,
the West Bank was owned by Jordan, and there were no "Palestinians."
As soon as the Jews took over and started growing oranges as big as
basketballs, what do you know, say hello to the "Palestinians," weeping for
their deep bond with their lost "land" and "nation."
So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word "Palestinian" anymore to
describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our deaths, until
someone points out they're being taped.
Instead, let's call them what they are:
"Other Arabs Who Can't Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap
Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death."
I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN.
How about this, then: "Adjacent Jew-Haters."
Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country.
Oops, just one more thing. No, they don't.
They could've had their own country any time in the last thirty years,
especially two years ago at Camp David but if you have your own country, you
have to have traffic lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce,
and, worse, you actually have to figure out some way to make a living.
That's no fun. No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region
want: Israel.
They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course -- that's where the real
fun is -- but mostly they want Israel.
Why? For one thing, trying to destroy Israel - or "The Zionist Entity"
as their textbooks call it -- for the last fifty years has allowed the
rulers of Arab countries to divert the attention of their own people
away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most illiterate,
poorest, and tribally backward on God's Earth, and if you've ever been
around God's Earth . . . you know that's really saying something.
It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic about
the great history and culture of the Muslim Midleast. Unless I'm missing
something, the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since Algebra,
and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that one.
Chew this around & spit it out: 500 million Arabs; 5 million Jews.
Think of all the Arab countries as a football field,
and Israel as a pack of matches sitting in the middle of it.
And now these same folks swear that, if Israel gives them
half of that pack of matches, everyone will be pals..
Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey, but what about the string of wars to
obliterate the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to
drive every Jew into the sea?
Oh, that? We were just kidding.
My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other day:
Just reverse the Numbers. Imagine 500 million Jews and 5 million Arabs.
I was stunned at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the Jews
strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to themselves? Of course not.
Or marshaling every fiber and force at their disposal for generations
to drive a tiny Arab State into the sea? Nonsense.
Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible.
Or spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their
bread with the blood of children? Disgusting.
No, as you know, left to themselves in a world of peace,
the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to death.
Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that,
with vital operations in Iraq and others, it's in our interest, as
Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible,
and, after all, that can't be much harder than stabilizing a roomful of
super models who've just had their drugs taken away.
However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always a danger
of losing moral weight. We've already lost some.
After September 11th, our president told us and the world he was going
to root out all terrorists and the countries that supported them.
Beautiful.
Then the Israelis, after months and months of having the equivalent of
an Oklahoma City every week (and then every day), start to do the same thing
we did, and we tell them to show restraint.
If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day,
we would all very shortly be screaming for the administration
to just be done with it and kill everything south of the Mediterranean
and east of the Jordan. "
posted by Judge William at 6:41 PM
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